"Let me tell you about the mercifully short-lived music career of Luis Guzman. This was on the set of Carlito's Way in 1993 ... back when Hammer pants were still viable as a clothing option and Cypress Hill were a hip hop force to be reckoned with.
Aside from those Cheech & Chong chuckleheads, Latino rhymers were few and far between on MTV, and Guzman was looking for what we in the entertainment industry call 'first mover advantage'.
Sick of being mistaken for the mugger who killed Swayze in Ghost, Luis figured his image as a rough and tumble street savvy fella would serve him well in a hip hop career.
Guzman started trying to form cyphers on the shoot to earn his stripes, roping in Pacino, myself and John Leguizamo - a surprisingly good freestyler - for some battle rap action.
Holy Toledo, I've witnessed some horrific shit in my time on this crazy planet of ours, be it post-earthquake Haiti, the conflict in the Darfur region of the Sudan or just a brief glimpse of Susan Sarandon's clunge on the set of Dead Man Walking, but this took the proverbial biscuit, my friend.
Fuck me the guy was worse than Turbo B from Snap! No flow, no lyrics ... just bullshit nursery rhyme hooks and macho posturing shit about the size of his uncircumsized johnson and the calorific properties of Puerto Rican cooking.
When he pressed up 500 copies of a 4 track EP called "Spics and Tricks" and tried to hustle De Palma into a distribution deal alongside the film, I knew I had to say something.
I took Guzman to one side and told him that it takes more than myopic self belief to make it as a rapper. You had to have some rhythm, some lyrical dexterity and more importantly something interesting to say.
Thankfully Luis heeded my advice and gave up on the rapping ambitions, going on to star in great films such as Boogie Nights, Magnolia and Beverly Hills Chihuahua."
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