"Back in 2004 when I was filming The Assassination of Richard Nixon, there was a certain actor that was really punching below his weight when it came to not being a complete fuckin' retard.
Of course I'm referring to that douchebag extraordinaire Don Cheadle. Don would prance around the set thinking he was the life and soul of the party, trying to teach the rest of us things we already knew.
His overarching desire to be on the cutting edge of 'now' failed harder than Chernobyl nuclear safety protocols back in '86, leaving the rest of us covered in his radioactive unfunny like a village of toothless Russian peasants.
He would often burst into my trailer when I was trying to work on my scowl, informing me that "evian was naive spelt backwards" and that "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter".
I tell you, I often had to resist the urge to stomp his irrelevant ass like old Italians on grapes.
I took Cheadle to one side and told him that shouting out these tried cliches and hackneyed observations on life won't endear him to anyone. We've all seen and heard them before, and none of us felt the need to press that shit onto others like it was some brand new funk for ya trunk.
I said to Don that, in the immortal words of Matthew 'Inspector Gadget' Broderick, life moves pretty fast. What's news one day is toilet paper the next. And you don't want to be that guy waving some shitstained rag in the air like it's fresh off the press."
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