"There was a whole bunch of us back then ... aspiring actors all looking for that big break. All of us were hungry for some sort of recognition. There was a lot of jousting. Not actual jousting except for that one time with Forrest Whitaker in the car park, I mean verbal sparring. Everyone trying to outdo each other. A lot of egos got bruised on that shoot, let me tell you.
Nic Cage was particularly troublesome. Back then of course he was still going by Nic Coppola, trying to milk every last drop from the well of Hollywood nepotism. The guy thought he was a natural comedian, always trying to impress Phoebe Cates with his coma inducing punchlines, plagarised George Carlin routines and shit eating grin.
Then one time he asked Brooke Shields if she wanted to go to In-n-Out Burger - 'hold the burger' - and that's when I knew I had to say something.
I took Nic to one side and told him that, much like having red hair or a third nipple, funny is just something you are born with. Or not. You can work on it, hone it, but you sure as hell can't force it. That'd be like squeezing out a turd on an empty stomach. A lot of pain, blood and tears with nothing to show for it.
I reminded him what Confucius always said. A man who walks backwards into turnstile is going to Bangkok. Then I kicked him in the nuts several times."
Then one time he asked Brooke Shields if she wanted to go to In-n-Out Burger - 'hold the burger' - and that's when I knew I had to say something.
I took Nic to one side and told him that, much like having red hair or a third nipple, funny is just something you are born with. Or not. You can work on it, hone it, but you sure as hell can't force it. That'd be like squeezing out a turd on an empty stomach. A lot of pain, blood and tears with nothing to show for it.
I reminded him what Confucius always said. A man who walks backwards into turnstile is going to Bangkok. Then I kicked him in the nuts several times."
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