Sean Penn on McCarthy sticking a digit up some Brat Pack Gidget

"Let me tell you about Andrew McCarthy back in the halcyon days of the 1980s. Now you probably recognise him as the adorable dipshit from films like Mannequin or Pretty In Pink, but amongst the Hollywood cognoscenti at the time, Big Mac was known as Fingerblaster 5000.

The girls of the Brat Pack would quiver in fear when ol' Fingerblaster was about. He'd crack his knuckles and Demi Moore would do the fifty yard dash quicker than an Ethiopian with food stamps.

Sorry, total eighties joke that one.

One time on the set of St Elmo's Fire, he rutted out Ally Sheedy so hard she could barely walk straight for weeks. How do you think that film got it's name?"

Sean Penn on Oliver Stone and the Pagan origins of Christmas

"I've seen some real bah-humbug paranoia in my time but Stone was on another level. The year was 1996, the place was Arizona. I was filming U-Turn with aging maverick director Oliver Stone, grizzly adams motherfucker Nick Nolte and hot as balls actress - at least at the time - Jennifer Lopez.

Maybe it was the heat, or it could have been the isolation from the rest of the world out there in the scorching desert, but Oliver Stone started flipping out bigtime. At first I thought he was back on the disco dandruff, but no ... it was much worse than that.

He somehow became convinced that Christmas was a celebration of all that is perverse and evil. The idea consumed him. Ollie would stomp around the shoot, grabbing extras and shouting at them about the holiday's pagan beginnings ... at other times I would catch him mumbling incoherently to himself about 'Babylon' like some clapped out Rastafarian you might see on the London Underground at 2 in the morning.

When Stone burst into Billy Bob Thornton's trailer one night, naked as the day he was born, and started screaming that "Santa is the same thing as Satan", jizzum hanging off the end of his member like drool from a Great Dane's choppers, I knew I had to step in.

I took Oliver to one side and told him that like many things in this world, the origins of Christmas are complex and varied. I pointed out that the Romans had celebrated a Winter Solstice long before the birth of Christ. Meanwhile, the northern Europeans - in between bouts of clog making and reindeer fucking - celebrated Yule in honor of the sun ... hence, Yuletide.

The point I was making is that the murky origins of something don't have to dictate it's relevance to the modern age. Like gold chain enthusiast and metaphorical murderer Rakim once famously said: it ain't where you're from it's where you at.

Thankfully, Stone took my advice and chilled the fuck out about Christmas. I even heard that he later dressed up as Kris Kringle on the shoot of Any Given Sunday, handing out sweets and treats to cast members LL Cool J, Dennis Quaid and Jamie Foxx. It truly is the season for miracles."

Sean Penn on Don Cheadle and the war against cliche

"Back in 2004 when I was filming The Assassination of Richard Nixon, there was a certain actor that was really punching below his weight when it came to not being a complete fuckin' retard.

Of course I'm referring to that douchebag extraordinaire Don Cheadle. Don would prance around the set thinking he was the life and soul of the party, trying to teach the rest of us things we already knew. 

His overarching desire to be on the cutting edge of 'now' failed harder than Chernobyl nuclear safety protocols back in '86, leaving the rest of us covered in his radioactive unfunny like a village of toothless Russian peasants.

He would often burst into my trailer when I was trying to work on my scowl, informing me that "evian was naive spelt backwards" and that "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter".

I tell you, I often had to resist the urge to stomp his irrelevant ass like old Italians on grapes.

I took Cheadle to one side and told him that shouting out these tried cliches and hackneyed observations on life won't endear him to anyone. We've all seen and heard them before, and none of us felt the need to press that shit onto others like it was some brand new funk for ya trunk.

I said to Don that, in the immortal words of Matthew 'Inspector Gadget' Broderick, life moves pretty fast. What's news one day is toilet paper the next. And you don't want to be that guy waving some shitstained rag in the air like it's fresh off the press."

Sean Penn on filming Milk with James Franco and Josh Brolin

"Milk was an important film for me because of my role in it as the world's first openly homosexual carton of milk, so I was trying to stay focused. Josh I'm cool with, a real laidback dude. That whippersnapper Franco on the other hand, jeez Louise, that punk was like a mongoose on ritalin. 

Always acting out with his loud "LOOK AT ME!" antics and quite frankly nauseating facial hair, coming out with obnoxious and illogical statements about Darfur and browbeating the crew into attending his abstract Finnish poetry readings in the Tenderloin district.

When he started sharing his ideas for high concept video installations and kept bleating on about his 'oeuvre', I knew I had to step in and set the kid straight.

I took Franco to one side and told him that having a camcorder and no sense of shame does not an artist make. And anyone using the word 'oeuvre' who starred in Pineapple Express needs to put the brakes on that wicky wack shit immediately.


"The wise man understands that he truly knows nothing", said Socrates, a guy with a proper beard as well as the capacity for true intellectual dialogue, both of which Franco was sorely lacking.

I told him that if you've got something that the world needs to hear, pretty soon it'll sit up and listen. Hopping around like some jumped up freak and frantically waving your arms like a drowning baby in a desperate ploy for attention won't help none.

Then I told him he might wanna consider getting acquainted with a razorblade every now and then, because he looked like a homeless Alan Rickman for Christ's sake."

Here are some more of my favourite character actors

"Hello, my name is F Murray Abraham. The F stands for 'fucking sneaky sonofabitch'. 

I'm always up in them Hollywood films, double crossing motherfuckers like nobody's business. I have personally orchestrated the deaths of Angel Fernandez in Scarface and Wolfgang Mozart in Amadeus amongst many others."

"Hi, my name is Reginal VelJohnson and I'm pretty much the least threatening black man of all time not counting Mos Def. 

Now most of you probably recognise me as Al the Twinkie-scoffing patrolman from the Die Hard franchise, then again if you grew up in front of a TV in late 1980s you might be thinking 'oh shit that's Carl Winslow from Family Matters! The series that festooned that Steve Urkel dickhead onto the world and basically made The Cosby Show look like Apocalypse fucking Now by comparison!'

Some of you might even remember my turn as Gus the limo driver from Crocodile Dundee or as the guy who let the Ghostbusters out of the tank to go and meet with the mayor."

Sean Penn on Nicole Kidman

"Back when I was filming The Interpreter with Nicole Kidman, that flame haired loon was constantly on director Sydney Pollack's ass, demanding to view the daily rushes, questioning his impeccable casting decisions, challenging any script rewrites and generally making a nuisance of herself.

A lot of people think my pal Sydney died from stomach cancer, but I'd say that antipodean she-bitch probably caused more fatal levels of bile in his digestive system.

At one point, she even started harrassing the poor catering staff, demanding feedback about her 'effrikan' accent. She would throw diva-style tantrums and suck everyone on the set into a raging vortex of her own insecurities and personal bullshit.

That's when I knew it was time for a no holds barred dose of Penn-manship.

I took Nicole to one side and told her that we are all own own best and worst critics. It was time for her to stop looking for sycophantic reassurance from cast and crew members. It was time to make like a cardiac surgeon at a Roxette concert and listen to your heart. It was time to start 'keeping it real', as my friend Will Smith might say.

She thankfully took my advice to heart and delivered a truly majestic performance as UN translator with a shady past Sylvia Broome. The reality check was in the mail."

Sean Penn on the American penal system

"I've done time. That was county lock up back in the 1980s though. Different era. Everyone was high on angel dust, doing the robot and listening to The Jets and Shalamar. Not like this gangsta rap like Drake and all these god damn gladiator academies you got nowadays, full of nasty and violent habitual reoffenders.

But then I actually met some of these guys back in 1994 when I was doing research for my tour de force role as remorseful death row prisoner Ray Poncelet in Dead Man Walking.

Really friendly fellas you know ... now I'll admit I was nervous when I first got to Rahway Prison, but two cartons of Malboros and a couple of signed VHS copies of Shanghai Surprise later and it was like we were all road dogs together.

They taught me some of the jailhouse lingo for purposes of authenticity, sorting out my 'shivs' from my 'shanks'. I also learned about the different types of 'Jacksonville Special' and exactly what a 'rama lama ding dong kite' was. Trust me you don't wanna know.

I shot some hoops in the yard with them before we went back to the mess hall and ate some lunch. They had a guy named Tiny in the kitchen, a real swell dude with a constant smile on his face who cooked a mean beef lasagne. God knows how they made the bechamel sauce though. 

My point is, some of us are prisoners even on the outside. Prisoners to our vices, our memories or even multinational corporations. Never judge a book by its cover, that's my motto. Except maybe a phone book or that Men Are From Uranus shit. "

Sean Penn on a pussy whipped Kevin Bacon

"It doesn't pay to be too judgemental. Like my tai chi instructor used to say - 'you can walk a mile in a man's shoes ... but to get inside his head you'd need to be shrunken down microscopically like Martin Short in that film Inner Space, the technology for which does not exist yet'.

Reminds me how we all ganged up on Kevin Bacon during the Mystic River shoot. He was on the outs with his wife Kyra Sedgwick back then and dating Loretta Devine. Quite a strange coupling you might think, but let me tell you Wally there ain't a black woman alive who doesn't love Bacon.

God damn, I wouldn't touch her with Cheney's cock and Wolfowitz doing all the pushing, but the bitch had moves ... moves, and a pussy that was whistlin' Dixie ... and poor Kevin, he was in over his head.

She moved into his place during filming, and straight away started redecorating the place with Igbo tribal masks and 24 x 36 posters of a shirtless Usher. The ribbing from the cast and crew was relentless. Clint, Tim Robbins and I would make whipping sounds on the set and burst into laughter each time he was shooting a scene. 

But when she threw out all of Kevin's Footloose memorablia to make way for her collection of leopard print jeggings, I knew I had to step in. 

Loretta Devine: no, me either

I took Kevin to one side and said that nobody likes an ugly confrontation, especially with a 300 lb bruiser like Loretta Devine, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Usually I would be the first to promote a non-violent solution, but that bitch had to go. 

The era of Neville Chamberlain appeasement was through, it was time to get all Churchill on that ass.
 

Needless to say, Kevin went straight home and ejected that cooze straight off the premises. Witnesses say they hadn't seen a black woman that size move so quick since KFC were doing 2 for 1 on spicy wings back in 93.

It wasn't easy for him 'cos Bacon is a sweet and generous soul, but I guess there's a time for civility and there's a time for opening a can of whup-ass on a crazy bitch."

Sean Penn on Luis Guzman and hip hop

"Let me tell you about the mercifully short-lived music career of Luis Guzman. This was on the set of Carlito's Way in 1993 ... back when  Hammer pants were still viable as a clothing option and Cypress Hill were a hip hop force to be reckoned with. 

Aside from those Cheech & Chong chuckleheads, Latino rhymers were few and far between on MTV, and Guzman was looking for what we in the entertainment industry call 'first mover advantage'. 

Sick of being mistaken for the mugger who killed Swayze in Ghost, Luis figured his image as a rough and tumble street savvy fella would serve him well in a hip hop career.

Guzman started trying to form cyphers on the shoot to earn his stripes, roping in Pacino, myself and John Leguizamo - a surprisingly good freestyler - for some battle rap action. 

Holy Toledo, I've witnessed some horrific shit in my time on this crazy planet of ours, be it post-earthquake Haiti, the conflict in the Darfur region of the Sudan or just a brief glimpse of Susan Sarandon's clunge on the set of Dead Man Walking, but this took the proverbial biscuit, my friend.

Fuck me the guy was worse than Turbo B from Snap! No flow, no lyrics ... just bullshit nursery rhyme hooks and macho posturing shit about the size of his uncircumsized johnson and the calorific properties of Puerto Rican cooking.

When he pressed up 500 copies of a 4 track EP called "Spics and Tricks" and tried to hustle De Palma into a distribution deal alongside the film, I knew I had to say something.

I took Guzman to one side and told him that it takes more than myopic self belief to make it as a rapper. You had to have some rhythm, some lyrical dexterity and more importantly something interesting to say.

Thankfully Luis heeded my advice and gave up on the rapping ambitions, going on to star in great films such as Boogie Nights, Magnolia and Beverly Hills Chihuahua."

Sean Penn on Mark Ruffalo and political activism

"Back in 2006 when I was filming All the King's Men, there was a supremely annoying guy named Mark Ruffalo who had just finished reading Dude Where's My Country? by Michael Moore. 

After this, he went and googled Noam Chomsky and figured himself as some limousine liberal Hollywood soothsayer - quite frankly the worst kind.

Ruffalo would press gang cast and crew alike with his half baked theories on the Illuminati, jewish bankers, 9/11 and how Katrina was a man made disaster like AIDS and communism, unwavering in his self appointed role as the world's saviour. 

When he took Anthony Hopkins by the collar and began to shout at him about some cockeyed Bilderberg banking scheme he'd heard mentioned on the Alex Jones show, I knew I had to step in.

I took Ruffalo to one side and told him that having wi-fi and a gullible demeanour doesn't make you a prophet in this day and age. Some of us have been fighting the good fight against the bankers and the politicians since he was a no-name bit actor popping zits on his ample forehead while jerking off to Variety magazine.

I told him that this kind of candy-assed rhetoric actually plays into the hands of the Powers That Be, stifling any effective opposition to the warmongers and the status quo through its transparent idiocy.

Thankfully, Ruffalo took my advice and left the fight for equality and justice to those of us with the type of sway to break bread with Chavez and the Cuban government, not these second division Hollywood wannabes that harp on about veganism and shale gas fracking."

Selected diary entries of Bryan Adams, July-August 1969

July 6

Dear Diary,

Very excited today. Went to the local general merchandise outlet and purchased a guitar. Mr McKinley, the man who owns the store, also gave me a book of chords and scales to learn. 

July 8

Dear Diary,

cunt

Was practicing on the guitar for almost 12 hours straight yesterday, until my fingers began to haemorrhage. Must go and speak to McKinley regarding the quality of his guitar strings.

July 13

Dear Diary,

Formed a band with some friends from wood shop class. James is really quite talented on the drums. So far I am sharing vocal duties with Jody, who also plays bass. Though ostensibly a rock and roll outfit, I would say we are nonetheless somewhat blues-influenced. Haven’t decided on a name for the group yet.

July 18

Dear Diary,

Been rehearsing a lot with the band. Despite some initial hiccups we have been developing a cohesive sound. Quite pleased with the results – everyone is making a good effort.

July 20

Dear Diary,

Watched the moon landing on TV earlier today. Practiced several chord changes and the pentatonic scale on my guitar afterwards.

July 25

Dear Diary,

James has left the band! He didn’t offer an explanation, but I suspect he secretly harbours some free jazz leanings. Once found an Ornette Coleman record in his room.

August 2

Dear Diary,

Disaster! Jody announced his engagement to his girlfriend last night. This will seriously impede upon the group’s rehearsal sessions. Perhaps I should have earlier surmised that the band would fail to progress as I had previously hoped.

August 7

Dear Diary,

Still incredibly despondent over the break-up of the band. Have also started a new job at the local drive-in cinema.

August 9

Dear Diary,

Must go to work tonight, though I would rather stay at home and practice on my guitar. Alas, such is the nature of paid employment, and to grumble about it would quite simply be of little constructive purpose.

August 10

Dear Diary,

Made the acquaintance of a intriguing young lady last night at the drive-in. She has invited me to meet her parents soon.

August 14

Dear Diary,

As the two of us stood on the terrace of her mother’s house yesterday evening, she told me she believed that our relationship would continue indefinitely. With her fingers wrapped around mine, the moment felt like a turning point of sorts.

August 23

Dear Diary,

I have recently been preoccupied by the notion that the preceding weeks I have recounted in these pages may become, in retrospect, the most enjoyable of my entire existence.

Sean Penn on Adrien Brody and gun control

"Let me tell you , guns are no laughing matter. I learnt the hard way on the shoot of The Thin Red Line back in 1998. There were a lot of heavy hitters on the set. Myself, Clooney, Travolta, Woody Harrelson and Nick Nolte. The air was humid, thick with the scent of ego, money and man juice.

Nolte in particular was out of control back then. Filming in remote Queensland didn't do him any favours. The poor guy was suffering from cocaine withdrawal, heat stroke and some sort of yeast infection he got from banging a hooker he had flown in from Maroochydore.

He became totally subsumed in his role as Lieutenant Gordon Tall, thinking he was actually leading C Company into battle somewhere around the Solomon Islands, waving his gun around off camera and screaming out "kill the japs! kill them all!" in his coarse, whiskey stained voice.

When Nick Stahl tried to calm him down and accidentally called him Gary Busey, Nolte started firing indiscriminantly and it was on like Donkey Kong my friend. I dove towards Nolte and tackled him to the ground, prying the gun loose from his hand. 

At this point, Clooney and Travolta jumped in, bellowing 'this is for Lorenzo's Oil you miserable cunt' before launching a vicious assault upon him, the likes of which have not been seen since Caesar stormed Actium. 

However, in the ensuing brouhaha some shots were fired and Adrien Brody caught one in the cock. The boy hasn't been right since. People think that sad look on his face throughout The Pianist was acting. It wasn't. It was because The Pianist sounds just like The Penis. And Brody doesn't have one anymore. That Polanski sure is one twisted fuck."

Sean Penn on Ronny Cox and finding one's niche in Hollywood

"Back when I was filming Taps in '81, there was a guy on the set who thought he was a real comedian. Ronny Cox. You probably know him as the bad guy in Robocop and Total Recall, or maybe even as Lieutenant Bogermill from the Beverly Hills Cop franchise.

Well before this illustrious string of hits, ol' Ronny was convinced he was the funniest thing since the notion that the US is a functioning democracy. Now that's a joke.

He would often prance around the shoot like some deranged cabaret act, telling knock knock jokes and making god awful puns. 'Am I a piece of string? No, I'm a frayed knot! Ha! Ha! That was ropey.'  Ronny was simply oblivious to the fact that the rest of us were cringing harder than the first time I did peyote with Eric Roberts.

One time he asked Tom Cruise what a ninja's favourite drink was, then answered his own question with 'Kara-TEA'.

I took Ronny Cox to one side and told him that in this game called life, you gotta play the cards you're dealt. The guy was a lean, mean character acting machine. Why was he trying his hand at some clapped out Vegas schtick?

Thankfully, Ronny took my advice and went on to play Dick Jones in Robocop. You know that whole 'bitches leave' thing? That was actually meant to be his line. Originally the scene had both him and Boddicker rolling up to Miguel Ferrer's place, turfing out the hookers and blowing shit up. But Ronny was laid up with food poisoning that day.

They say success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. Maybe. But it's definitely 100% not being an unfunny douchebag."

Sean Penn on filming Fast Times At Ridgemont High in 1982

"There was a whole bunch of us back then ... aspiring actors all looking for that big break. All of us were hungry for some sort of recognition. There was a lot of jousting. Not actual jousting except for that one time with Forrest Whitaker in the car park, I mean verbal sparring. Everyone trying to outdo each other. A lot of egos got bruised on that shoot, let me tell you.

Nic Cage was particularly troublesome. Back then of course he was still going by Nic Coppola, trying to milk every last drop from the well of Hollywood nepotism. The guy thought he was a natural comedian, always trying to impress Phoebe Cates with his coma inducing punchlines, plagarised George Carlin routines and shit eating grin.

Then one time he asked Brooke Shields if she wanted to go to In-n-Out Burger - 'hold the burger' - and that's when I knew I had to say something.

I took Nic to one side and told him that, much like having red hair or a third nipple, funny is just something you are born with. Or not. You can work on it, hone it, but you sure as hell can't force it. That'd be like squeezing out a turd on an empty stomach. A lot of pain, blood and tears with nothing to show for it.

I reminded him what Confucius always said. A man who walks backwards into turnstile is going to Bangkok. Then I kicked him in the nuts several times."

Sean Penn on his long running feud with actress Kate Winslet

"It started on the set of All The King's Men back in 2006. We had a good catering crew on site down there in the Big Easy, lots of fresh organic produce and fair trade items as per the strict terms of my contract. Felt good to support local business too after Katrina.

Eat right, act right - that's my motto.

Anyway, I would take all the leftovers at the end of the shoot each day over to the homeless shelter down by Canal St, only I noticed that someone was beating me to it. I know for a fact we had dozens of crab cakes, custard cream beignets and sweet jelly rolls that went missing from the catering trailer. A thief was in our midst. 

At first I suspected Gandolfini, the guy is a friggin' monster after all.

There was a Guatemalan chef named Hector who made a white chocolate bread pudding that was to die for, and when a whole tray of that went missing I knew I had to take action.

I followed the crumbs all the way back to Winslet's trailer. Lo and behold, that pudgy  strumpet was forcing cake down her rosy-cheeked face at a whiplash-inducing speed. It was unseemly. Put it this way, if she'd invested that much effort into bailing water out of the Titanic's hull, that particular film would've had a much more upbeat ending.

So I kicked in the trailer door cowboy style and went Ike Turner on the bitch. I told her that nobody stops the homeless from eating when Sean Penn is in town. It got ugly. Almost as ugly as she is. We haven't spoken since."

Sean Penn on filming It's All About Love with Thomas Vinterberg

"That Scandinavian scallywag was fresh off his triumph with the dogme 95 arthouse classic The Situation, and was looking to make waves in Hollywood. He had assembled a crack squad of thespian talents including myself, Claire Danes and Joaquin Phoenix. Success was guaranteed.

But then he started getting too clever for his own good. A simple love story turned into some epic meditation on love with cloned ballerinas, bizarre gravity disturbances and snowstorms in the desert. 


I was relegated to flying around on some plane for the whole film, mumbling incoherently into a phone about 'what is love?' with a stupid look on my face. Honestly it was like I was pretending to be Leonard Cohen pretending to be Haddaway.

I pulled Vinterberg to one side and told him that this type of inexplicable artsy shit might fly off the shelves back in Lapland, but this is America god dammit! You can't dust sugar onto shit then try and pass it off as a Hershey bar. Did he listen? Was the Bush administration a force for good in the world? Fuck no!  

Quel fuckin' surprise then that the film vanished without a trace, like the USS Cyclops. Vinterberg would be lucky to get a job shovelling shit on Selleck's avocado ranch these days."

Sean Penn on Maria Conchita Alonso and the trappings of fame

"This was when we were filming Colors. Maria was looking to launch her career in Hollywood back then, and was jumping at any given chance to be the talk of the town. Every night after the shoot, she would slide up against the cast members one by one, rubbing the inside of their thighs and asking if they wanted to see what she called her "South Caracas Vagina Gambit". She went to Dennis Hopper's trailer one evening and did a striptease for him, offering to tongue his starfish if he got his agent to put her on the books.

Well let me tell you, she sure got the attention she craved. Unfortunately it wasn't from myself, the director or anybody with clout in tinseltown. A pack of hairy arsed lighting riggers took her round the back of the lot and split her ringpiece five ways from Sunday in a frenzied attack, the likes of which had not been seen since Alaric's Sacking of Rome.

... and then that was the end of Maria's Hollywood journey. She got a small part in Predator 2 after giving Danny Glover a tuggie at the Oscars back in '89, but it's a sad state of affairs when you have to play second fiddle to Bill Paxton and a seven foot alien with the dental work of a Cambodian refugee.

I guess some people think that on the road to stardom, there's no such thing as bad publicity. But let me tell you this - I've heard of genital warts, but I'm not rushing out my front door to get infected with them."

Law & Order: SVU

Sometimes I do a bit of travelling in my role as an insurance claims adjustor. Mostly to industry conferences and so forth. Well recently I went to America - land of the free, home of the Kardashians. 

Being all jetlagged and whatever, I was waking up at ungodly hours and flicking on the idiot box (there's little else to do in a hotel room). That's where I came across this show. Law & Order: SVU.

Now at first I thought that Dick Wolf's brain had finally shit itself, and he'd written a spinoff show for a utility vehicle that solves crimes.

But no, I digress, the SVU stands for Special Victims Unit.

Basically, the officers of the SVU investigate crimes of a sexual nature. Unfortunately this does not involve Showgirls, a criminally awful 1995 film with Gina Gershon lezzing off and some gratuitous flange shots, but instead deals with stuff like rape, incest and anal penetration with a Louisville Slugger. 

That last one was an actual incident on one of the episodes I watched. At 5am in the morning. At a premiums conference in San Antonio, Texas. Combined with a steady stream of commercials for diet pills, Denny's and psychotropic medication, it soon became apparent to me why America is going down the toilet faster than anything I ate the entire time I was trapped in that god-forsaken colonial outpost.

And who do they have investigating these "especially heinous" crimes?

Prisoner ID 98K514.

Why, only one of the most violent and deranged criminals ever to grace the inside of the Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary! Jeez Louise. Well at least he would know where to start looking I guess.

More interesting however is the choice of Chris Keller's partner, Detective Olivia Benson, played by actress Mariska Hargitay. Try saying that out loud. It sounds like the noise a Polish nanny makes when you throw her down a flight of stairs (relax you soft serves, I haven't done that in months).

"Ring, ring ... hello? Yes, this is Easter Island. One of our fucking statues is missing."

Look at that face. Look at it. I mean, seriously. The only reason the NYPD assigned her to sex crimes must have been to scare rapists straight. I could actually feel myself turning celibate watching her on the screen.

This one of the most idiotic television shows currently being broadcast. Which is no chopped liver I can assure you.

The Wire: potential spin-off series

Rapper/Actors

Now as we all know, white people fucking ruin everything, and hip-hop in the 21st century has grown increasingly tedious and retarded. So it should come as no surprise that some of the more enterprising individuals involved in the dark art of rhyming one word with another have diversified their bonds, as it were.

I'm talking about the rapper slash actor. Here are some of my favourites.

"these shopping baskets suck ass, dude"

1. Xzibit: the exhibitionst. Alvin Nathaniel Joiner IV started his hip-hop career with the Likwit Crew, a collective of west coast artists including the Alkoholiks. Unfortunately, nobody gave a shit in the grand scheme of things, so he quickly moved into television.

Not content with transforming clapped out rice burners into motorised eyesores on Pimp My Ride, Xzibit took the next big step into cinema. 

His first role, in a stroke of casting genius, was as a rapper in 8 Mile. He has since gone on to showcase his gruff  'Cookie Monster has hemorrhoids' routine in films like Derailed and XXX 2. 

More recently he played an FBI agent in X-Files: I Want To Believe, where he hung around for nearly 2 hours with a bemused expression on his face, possibly wondering when in the fuck did Scully get so old and ropey looking. 

Christ, I know I was.

tical was actually great

 2. Method Man: not Method Actor. This guy first gained recognition as part of the ethnically confused Wu Tang Gang. With lyrical gems such as "I'll sow your asshole closed and keep feeding you", it obviously wasn't long before Hollywood came calling.

After showcasing his scowly impertinence in filums such as Copland, How High and Belly, Meth threw us all a curve ball and switched to television, landing roles on HBO's Oz and The Wire.

Last seen in The Wackness with a beercan & eggs Jamaican accent that made Rastamouse sound like Barrington fucking Levy.

ice ice baby

3. Ice T: The OG. This guy has done it all. In fact he's more of an actor/rapper than a rapper/actor. Started out in Breakin' and then Breakin' 2 back in the 1980s. Followed this with classics such as New Jack City, Johnny Mnemonic and Leprechaun: In Da Hood. 

After being publically reviled for his song 'Cop Killer' during the heady days of the 1990s, he is now mostly famous for playing some cop on Law & Order, which must be kind of strange for him really.

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

<insert obvious cock joke here>

Back when Wally was in short pants, I used to beat up kids named Hugh. Not simply because their name was Hugh, but because everyone ever named Hugh in the history of the known universe is a floppy-haired cock that deserved it quite frankly. Think about it. Hugh Grant, Hugh Laurie, Hugh Jackman. Do you know any black or Asian guys named Hugh? Of course you don't.

aka Wolverine

So in a way, I guess I did beat them up because their names were Hugh. Hmmm. This is really one of those chicken & egg scenarios.

No exception to the "Wally Donuts Hugh Principle" is the British celebrity chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. I never went to school with HFW,  but I can tell you that he definitely would've got his twice weekly pummeling alongside the rest of them. Christ with that double-barreled last name, even the teachers probably would've kicked his arse.

They must have done actually, and HFW has clearly over compensated for this by becoming the type of man who brews his own cider while he kills, fucks and cooks every living animal in existence.

not even close, fella

This is all pretty good going for a bloke named Hugh. Even if he does look a lot like Harry Hill with Meg Ryan hair's grafted onto his head. 

dear God no

Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening

Here are some of my favourite character actors

Always the bridesmaid and never the bride, the "character actor" has saved many a Hollywood film from being a complete celluloid abortion. Well it's about time that somebody gave these no name fucks some long overdue credit, and when I say "somebody",  I obviously mean me.

OK internet, let's do this shit.

indeed!

1. In first place we have James Hong, a man who needs no introduction to those of you with any semblance of Not Being a Complete Fucking Deadbeat of the Highest Order™. Not content with starring in three of the greatest films known to man (Blade Runner, Chinatown and Big Trouble in Little China), James is the former president of the Association of Asian/Pacific American Artists (AAPAA) and has also guest starred in Airplane! as well as a classic episode of Seinfeld.

pretty, pretty, pretty good

2. Coming on in second place like the even more sociopathic twin brother of Larry David is Mark Margolis. He's probably best known as either the carbomb guy in Scarface, king of the greaseballs in the early seasons of Oz, Hector Salamanca in Breaking Bad or some random dude in an Aronofsky clusterfuck. If they ever make a spiderman film with The Vulture, it's gotta be him.

who farted?

3. Perhaps the most renowned character actor ever (an oxymoron I suppose) is the late great JT Walsh. This man is the face of faceless amoral middle management within the law enforcement sector or military/industrial complex. He was in every fucking film ever made.