Tom Sizemore, bitch

Now I'm known to hand out epic beatdowns like Jim Jones did Kool-Aid, and often with similar results, but there are simply some motherfuckers I would never ever in my life step to. Sean Penn is one, not only because he is a dear friend and frequent contributor to this fine blog but honestly the guy is unhinged.

Michael Madsen is another. Turns out Mr Blonde from Reservoir Dogs once removed a tattoo off his arm on the piping-hot exhaust of his Harley just because he changed his mind about it.

But there is one fucking guy who trumps even Mad Dog Madsen. He looks a bit like Madsen, which obviously helps in the badass sweepstakes, but has also never starred in some shit like Free Willy. The dude I'm referring to is 250 pounds of pure rabble-rousing lunacy and unbridled mayhem.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Tom Sizemore.

This is him running shit in 1995's Heat, what film school dropouts working at Starbucks would refer to as a highly stylised and epic meditation on good versus evil and/or the porous line between cop and criminal in the morally ambiguous modern world, but I simply describe as  an exercise in cinematic ownage. 

Here he is again, this time looking a bit like Sinatra's white trash skullfucking younger brother. I actually mean that as a compliment.

Originally a Detroit native like other notable 20th century badasses like John Lee Hooker and Elmore Leonard, Tom first starting making waves in a film all about making waves, Point Break. He also starred in True Romance, Natural Born Killers and Passenger 57 where he of course always bet on black.

As the 1990s gave way to the new millennium his output can only be described as patchy, but  that's mostly because he's been too busy being awesome in the real world drinking bourbon, consuming shitloads of illegal substances and making an eight hour sex tape. Eight fucking hours worth of Sizemore balling some hapless cooch I shit you not.

He also beat the living bejeezus out of Hollywood supermadam Heidi Fleiss, who was his girlfriend at the time. Now think about that. Most other dudes would be paying for it but he was banging the madam of the house. 

Now say what you like about his penchant for bouncing a strumpet like Fleiss off the walls like human badminton, Sizemore's got serious fucking game. Honestly he makes Chuck Sheen look like Gandhi by comparison.

And just last year he was questioned by police regarding the disappearance of a female  acquaintance about half his age, and on any given Friday night his name will be the answer to a question in a film-themed pub quiz somewhere in the UK.

Tom Sizemore, bitch.