Strange Sightings - part 1

Imagine the absolute last guy you would expect to turn up as the romantic male interest in an early 1990s R&B music video that's not Pauly Shore, and then double it. In fact, Mary J Blige jonesing for Pauly fucking Shore would probably be less weird than this. Jesus, old Eskimo women breastfeeding reindeer and listening to dubstep would be less weird than this. 

This is almost as bad as the time Peter Sutcliffe was in the 'No Scrubs' video, and certainly adds a whole new dimension to a song called 'Love No Limit'.

Tom Sizemore, bitch

Now I'm known to hand out epic beatdowns like Jim Jones did Kool-Aid, and often with similar results, but there are simply some motherfuckers I would never ever in my life step to. Sean Penn is one, not only because he is a dear friend and frequent contributor to this fine blog but honestly the guy is unhinged.

Michael Madsen is another. Turns out Mr Blonde from Reservoir Dogs once removed a tattoo off his arm on the piping-hot exhaust of his Harley just because he changed his mind about it.

But there is one fucking guy who trumps even Mad Dog Madsen. He looks a bit like Madsen, which obviously helps in the badass sweepstakes, but has also never starred in some shit like Free Willy. The dude I'm referring to is 250 pounds of pure rabble-rousing lunacy and unbridled mayhem.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Tom Sizemore.

This is him running shit in 1995's Heat, what film school dropouts working at Starbucks would refer to as a highly stylised and epic meditation on good versus evil and/or the porous line between cop and criminal in the morally ambiguous modern world, but I simply describe as  an exercise in cinematic ownage. 

Here he is again, this time looking a bit like Sinatra's white trash skullfucking younger brother. I actually mean that as a compliment.

Originally a Detroit native like other notable 20th century badasses like John Lee Hooker and Elmore Leonard, Tom first starting making waves in a film all about making waves, Point Break. He also starred in True Romance, Natural Born Killers and Passenger 57 where he of course always bet on black.

As the 1990s gave way to the new millennium his output can only be described as patchy, but  that's mostly because he's been too busy being awesome in the real world drinking bourbon, consuming shitloads of illegal substances and making an eight hour sex tape. Eight fucking hours worth of Sizemore balling some hapless cooch I shit you not.

He also beat the living bejeezus out of Hollywood supermadam Heidi Fleiss, who was his girlfriend at the time. Now think about that. Most other dudes would be paying for it but he was banging the madam of the house. 

Now say what you like about his penchant for bouncing a strumpet like Fleiss off the walls like human badminton, Sizemore's got serious fucking game. Honestly he makes Chuck Sheen look like Gandhi by comparison.

And just last year he was questioned by police regarding the disappearance of a female  acquaintance about half his age, and on any given Friday night his name will be the answer to a question in a film-themed pub quiz somewhere in the UK.

Tom Sizemore, bitch.

More Character Actors

"Hi my name is Stephen Tobolowsky and I am one of the greatest character actors to ever walk this planet. Yet despite this you may only recognise me from pretty much every low rent TV series in the last decade or so. Heroes, Glee, Entourage and Californication are all notable stinkers I've graced with my presence.

Now don't get it twisted I've also appeared on shows such as Deadwood, Curb Your Enthusiasm and the current flagship of televisual ownage Justified, and shit nigga I've also done big screen work on films like Memento and The Insider.

But anyone with any semblance of all that is good and decent in this world will take one look at my bespectacled JC Penney-shopping ass and say: motherfucker that's Ned Ryerson! BING!"

"Hola! My name is Joaquim de Almeida. Now I  know a name like that makes me sound like a character from some Don Quixote revival but in fact I pay the rent by impersonating a South American drug baron in quite frankly any Hollywood film that will have me, even though I'm actually Portuguese. 

And if you ask me whether I'm Javier Bardem or not I will actually shoot you, I'm not even fucking kidding."

Sean Penn on Eric Stoltz and maintaining artistic integrity

"Whoa ... artistic integrity versus the clarion call of cheddar! Hot damn you've touch a nerve here Wally, because this is a constant battle in Hollywood, trying to find that balance between turning in a powerhouse performance and simply paying the bills so that you're not ending each day with a bowl of ramen noodles for dinner and a 38 Special to your head.

Now back when I was trying to break into the film game, there was always the temptation to make a quick buck doing commercials for Doritos or Lucky Charms, basically selling your ass like a two-bit hooker on Sunset.

And some people begin to doubt their abilities, and they wonder if they're cut out for the life of an actor, well that's when they start out on that slippery slope chasing the cash, shucking and jiving for the cameras like a minstrel with haemorrhoids.

Eric Stoltz was one of these guys. 

Back on the set on Fast Times At Ridgemont High he was already doing bit work on the side for advertisers, prostituting himself for the green. He was always trying to rope in the other actors on the set too, taking their eyes off the prize for some quick financial gain.

When he started whispering in Judge Reinhold's ear about a $500 gig hawking Soda Streams, I knew I had to step in and lay it down.

I took Stoltz to one side and told him that some of us are in this for the love of the artform, not to peddle Mars bars and convince some douchebag in the flyover states that they feel like Chicken Tonight.

I said that he had better put the brakes on that commercial bullshit pronto around me. Motherfucker kept running his jibs about getting paid like Johnny Kemp on a Friday so I went off like a hurricane on his stupid fuckin' ass, chopping and swinging like Paul Bunyan on angel dust.

People think he spent hours in makeup getting prepped for his role as Rocky Dennis in Mask, but the truth is that Stoltz was still reeling from the gorilla style smackdown he got from yours truly.

Anyway, fuck that guy. There's only room for X amount of redheads in Hollywood and Stoltz is like friendster to Caruso's facebook."