"The last time I did a telethon was more than twenty years ago when AIDS hit the public consciousness big time. But there were still a lot of misconceptions about the disease, and I couldn't idly stand by watching heroin junkies die sharing needles as they wore condoms for protection, so I rallied the Hollywood troops and we set out to do some good.
The hour is upon us for another Sean Pean anecdote. Shall we proceed?
Now at the time I was embroiled in a massive feud with that peacocking son of a gun Sylvester Stallone. He dissed Shanghai Surprise, and I did an interview with Variety magazine and called Cobra a low-rent Beverly Hills Cop with all the charm of a ruptured anus.
Hell, I don't even remember how it started, but the name calling was getting out of hand quicker than a hackeysack at a Burmese leper colony. We were doing drive bys on each other's houses, throwing eggs at the front door, and pulling knock and run manoeuvres.
Old school tinsel town beef for the burger, Wally, there's nothing quite like it.
Anyway, I was answering the phones that night in the studio, taking pledges and generally doing my bit to rid the world of AIDS and the Italian Stallion thought it would be funny to prank call the hotline, donating money in the name of Phil McCracken and Amanda Blomiov, all the while giggling to himself in that thick as soup goombah accent like some retarded water buffalo.
Now don't get me wrong ... I like a good laugh as much as the next guy. Are you a piece of string? No, I'm a frayed knot! Ha ha ha!! But AIDS is no joke, son.
So I hopped in the convertible and sped over to Stallone's pad in the hills and kicked through his front door cowboy style. He knew what he did was wrong, and started whimpering like strawberry shortcake leeking out her first period in a 7-11 bathroom on Figueroa. I chased him up the stairs then started pounding the steroid chomping fucker like a cleaver through week old meat.
People think Stallone finally brought some thespian chops to his role as the beleaguered half deaf Sheriff Freddy Heflin in Cop Land, but I can assure you that the dim-witted and dribbly persona you saw on-screen was no act. That spicy meatball fuck was still reeling from a thermonuclear beatdown from yours truly.
I guess what I'm saying is that some topics just aren't suitable for jokes. AIDS, for one, and mostly stuff of a sexual nature. Except this joke: What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape! James Rebhorn told me that one back in '93. Keep on truckin' Wally."
